When My Rabbit Howls

When My Rabbit Howls, by Shawna Forde Millions of us in the world have stories of child abuse that we somehow survived past, but that still stays within the walls of our memories, this is a part of my childhood, a glimpse of the pain in a little girl. It was a Fall evening when I was in the van parked outside of Nan and Pops house, which occurred almost every night, I wasn't allowed in the warm brightly lit home, ever, at 8 yrs old I didn't even ask, and I sat in that van up to six to eight hours, freezing often starving. This one particular night it had been almost two days since I had anything to eat. It was raining and very windy outside as we pulled up. In the back seat next to me was a bag of groceries and Hawaiian buns my mother turned and glared at me and told me I better keep my damn hands off her food and she would know if I touched them. As she turned off the engine and shut the van door, I watch her go to the door as they open it, she's all happy and grinning. So up from the depths of my little soul came a howl, so deep, so desperate a child wanting to be loved. I cried out. I howled to god to please, please give me a mommy, give me someone, anyone, just please god give me someone to love me. I howled like a raging volcano erupting a power within, forced out my cries to heaven, my little body was wrecked with my own grief of knowing, a deep knowing at 8, but undeniable, knowing my path was going to be alone, my rabbit howled. I sat on the floor behind the passenger seat and talked to god and wept, never at that point understanding why I was adopted, why I had no family, no real home life like all the other children, why I was left alone all the time. Often days would go by without food or seeing them and when I was around stuck in a van or being molested, never a hug, a mothers concern, a kiss, as I watched other children being loved and wrapped in affection, all this came to the surface as I realized, my truth, my dire circumstances. She came out after six hours of visiting, never looked once at me, but instead reached to back seat and checked her Hawaiian buns, brought the package up front in passenger seat, opened them and proceeded to eat some on the drive home, as I sat in silence my heart breaking. That seared into my little soul, I also received no food that night either. Somehow it was OK with me and from that night on I never looked upon them for anything and my only guarantee of treatment was rape on a daily basis, neglect and beatings. At 8 I knew I was alone and family would never be my gift. I would forge my way to survive with a foreboding glare upon me through this gloom of childhood. I felt the residue in every fiber of my being of the howling, it lasted with me for some time, fresh, right there on the surface. It was a self awareness that was very heavy for a little girl to carry. When we put the thorn in our hearts, we know, we understand. And still we find a way to survive. This was the first time my rabbit howled, and there were more to come.